YOU ARE HIRED!!!!!!

This fall, 30 year old Liza Mucheru-Wisner is a contestant on NBC’s “The Apprentice” Season 10 with Donald Trump.  

Liza is a graduate of Texas A&M University-Corpus Christ with a B.S. in Computer Science and an M.S. in Educational Technology.

Watch Liza on The Apprentice on NBC every Thursday at 10/9C 

Best wishes Liza. We are proud of you.

IF YOU MISSED HALLOWEEN..

I must confess I am an ardent theatre enthusiast so the prospect of a nice, entertaining Friday evening at the University of La Verne's Dailey Theatre was ... just what I needed to escape from the realities of the week.The play being staged was Ann Jellicoe's The Sport of my Mad Mother and I was hoping against hope that it would be one of those escapist bedroom farces that tickle one throughout a performance. (who needs a tragedy to begin their weekend?) So I went with my $ 3, the charge was actually $5 but I negotiated like a true "son of the soil" to gain admission. I sat next to a bored gentleman who looked like he needed a serious dose of humour so I made a mental note to check back with him  to see if his face would have lit up a bit after the play. Halfway through the first act, I noticed that the man was restless in his chair and was letting out suppressed grunts. It was evident that he hated the play. In fact, it wasn't just him. Nearly half of the entire audience looked lost and bewildered by the performance. As for me, I tried to make out some meaning from it but was well worn out by the beginning of the third act.It was like watching the movie Inception playing backwards! Anyhow, there was the other half of the audience who seemed genuinely thrilled and absorbed in the performance, occasionally laughing at a joke. Which can only mean one thing: No matter how absurd your "thing" is, you will always have some fans.
As for the bored man who had sat next to me at the beginning of the play, he couldn't endure it any more and left during the first interval.. or who knows whether he did not mistakenly think the play was over? 

 P.S The Sport of my Mad Mother runs tonight Sat 20 from 7.30 p.m at the ULV Dailey Theatre. The final performance will be tomorrow Sun beginning 2 p.m. And be sure to carry the full ticket charge with you unless you possess extraordinary negotiation skills.

A RANDOM ENCOUNTER IN THE CONVENIENCE STORE

It's early morning and I am pacing up and down the aisles of the convenience store in the neighborhood trying to locate the stationery section. A middle aged African American lady hobbles towards me. "You act like you feelin' cold" says she.
"It's quite chilly in here, madam" I reply
"You mus' be from Sahara or some other planet coz it ain't chilly yet- where d'you come from anyways?"
"Kenya, it's a country in..." I try to explain but peering she interrupts,
"I know Kenya, at least I dated a man fom Kenya back in the day" she says still with that suspicious look- "In fact, you look just like him, only a little thinner." I frown at that unflattering description and ask her what happened with him. She chuckles and placing one hand on my arm she says "He ran away." I try to make light of the situation by reminding her that "running" is what Kenyans are famous for. We are constanly running away from spouses, girlfriends, school, lions and I even seem to remember a certain Kenyan who ran for presidency in the US.. and won!

SO YOU WANNA BE A MARINE BIOLOGIST

One FAQ we encounter earlier in life is what we would like to be when we grow up (if we ever grow up). Needless to say,  the dream job market has changed considerably since you were asked that question. The best clues of how attitudes about some jobs have changed over the years can be seen in the young who no longer seem too interested in becoming teachers, scientists, researchers and such jobs as we regarded highly some years back.Talking to kids today, they know exactly what they want and are  making bold utterances  like "I wanna be a millionaire" or rock stars and NBA players. You also have to admire the conviction of this generation in their future vocation.

Which takes me to us, the older generation us. We dreamed of becoming pilots, doctors, lawyers and engineers- so how did we do? Are we actually doing what we planned or did we settle for less than our aspirations? As for me, I kind of fall in the group of those that did not become what they wanted. I remember my father taking me to see a doctor when I was 9 years and from then the job of treating people made quite an impression on me. I gave up being a doctor after Biology classes proved a total disaster for me. I toyed with the idea of engineering but I couldn't understand a word  my physics teacher spoke thus my passion for engineering fizzled as my grade dropped. When I was bored with class, I  passed the time drawing caricatures of teachers ( a habit I no longer practice). The doodling turned out to be quite remarkable and one teacher, upon catching me in the very act, encouraged me to be an artist in the future.But not before warning me that all artists he knew became rich after they died, a luxury I was not particularly keen on pursuing. I then thought of becoming a jazz musician- not because I loved jazz music, but because I couldn't sing properly. I figure you don't have to be a good singer to be a great jazz musician. Even Louis Armstrong got away with that defect! That too I gave up. So what did I eventually settle for? Well, being of the old-school persuasion, I am neither a rock star or basketball player, I  decided to go back to school in the hopes I may become a teacher (they call me The Swift Teacher for a reason, you know). I am probably three and a half  years away from that dream but you never know.. if my track record of shifting goals is anything to go by, I wouldn't quote me if I were you.



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NO KIDDING!!!

If you think advertising is business as usual you've got a think coming! It certainly won't take you long to realize how unusual the schemes of the advertiser are if you have young kids around the house. One minute your young kid will be laughing through the antics of Ed, Edd n Eddy the next minute the advertiser intrudes the TV screen  with his new chocolatey drink called BOBO. The advertisement features a greasy haired kid all dressed up like a reincarnation of Elvis Presley and with a raised eyebrow reveals that SUPER COOL KIDS DRINK BOBO! After that piece of incitement, your kid, who until then couldn't utter any other word apart from "dada" instantly acquires a new vocabulary and starts screaming BOBO! BOBO! BOBO! This wailing does not stop and it occurs to you that the only way to stop the aural assault is to run to the shopping mall and buy the drink.
In fact from that day on, Bobo becomes your I.D. to getting access to the house every night from work- and you dare not show up with some nondescript drink unless you want to spend the night with your head buried in pillows. Let's face it, when it comes to the noise department, we are no matches for our kids who could all at once clinch a Nobel, Oscar and blackbelt in noisemaking.

 As if those are not woes enough for one lifetime, the advertiser has a few more surprises for you. In a few months he appears again with a margarine called BIBI and you zoom off like a wasp to the nearest supermarket knowing that your kid will go into a hunger strike if you don't. A week later, the advertiser hits the screen once again now with a cereal dubbed CHOKO. Fail to deliver that too and the kid will stage a demonstration that can teach those university students a thing or two about demonstrations. And so it goes on through out the year with new products rolled out  like NINA, FIDO, DIDO when it finally dawns on you that the clever advertising bloke has coined these easy-to-pronounce words into brands for your kid who cannot pronounce harder words like, say, PROACTIOXY ULTRA...  Well, what can you do apart from concede defeat to the insurmountable collusion between your kid and the advertiser who relies on your kids "pester- power" to sell his bobo's and goodies? If you think you can outsmart the advertiser, write me a line telling me how. I could use some advice myself.

GONE FISHING? NO SUCH LUCK!

To my esteemed readers,

With finals set for next week, I have found myself literary pitching camp in a dunk library. I have even acquired the musty odour emanating from the Kilimanjaro of books, encyclopedias, dictionaries and all other manner of publications stacked on the shelves. It's usual at times like these for students to go for nights without sleep which has the effect of making them very cranky whenever you interrupt them. Since a good number of them are avid readers of this blog, it is very unlikely that they are reading this but I wish them the best just as well. I too must take some time off and steal away to my favorite dark corner barricaded by Economics and Finance literature that goes back to the first publications of The Wealth of Nations! The smell may be hideous but the spot is suited to my convenience. Have a great weekend and be sure to check back on Friday next week for more postings.


You are the best.

REMEMBER THE ONE ABOUT THE GUEST WHO OVERSTAYED HIS WELCOME?

 Assuming you went through a primary school in Kenya, you will no doubt be familiar with certain characters like Mr.  Kamau, Mrs. Kamau, Tom and Mary in that text  book Hallo children. You may also remember of a certain clown who appeared somewhere in class 3 called Mwalimu Jini and I am sure you did not pass that opportunity to nickname the classmate with the most pointed ears after him!  Assuming also that you survived Mr. Kitosyo's  "six of the best" landing on your posterior (my friend Pete calls it gluteus maximus) and against your most sound judgment, you decided to hang in there, probably rationalizing that even if the beatings never stopped, you will at least get "maziwa ya nyayo" to sooth the pain. If all the above describes you, then you will agree with me that the poem below  was the most memorable that you ever recited back in the day. I pulled it off with two translations, one in English for readers  not familiar with Swahili, and the second in Kikamba- dedicated to my grandmother who never stopped to remind me my Kamba stinks. Enjoy.

 THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION

Mgeni siku ya kwanza         For the guest his first day             

Mpe mchele na panza           rice with flying fish provide          

mtilie kifuani                        embrace him, welcome him inside   

mkaribishe mgeni                Stranger who has come to stay.     

Mgeni siku ya pili                 On the guest's second day             

mpe ziwa na samli                 give him milk and butter too.          

mahaba yakizidia                   If love can greatly grow in you     

mzidie mgeni.                        give more to the guest come to stay.   

  

Mgeni siku ya tatu               Guest now on his third day           

jumbani hamuna kitu          Three cups rice is all we've got     

Mna zibaba zitatu                  left to eat. Boil and eat the lot       

 pika ule na mgeni                with the guest come to stay.          

Mgeni siku ya 'ne                 Guest now on the fourth day          

mpe jembe akalime               To farm send him off with a hoe.     

Akirudi muagane                  When he comes back bid him go      

ende kwao mgeni                    and be gone, dear stranger come to stay.

Mgeni siku ya tano                   Look at guest the fifth day              

mwembamba kama sindano     Needle thin the guest has gone  

Hauishi musengenyano           Gossip now goes on and on          

asengenyao mgeni                    'bout the guest come to stay.          

Mgeni siku ya sita                     Guest on the sixth long day                 

mkila mkajificha                        when you eat he mustn't know                               

mwingie vipembeni                     while you eat in corners go                   

afichwaye yeye mgeni                 Hide from guest come to stay.              

Mgeni siku ya sabaa                   Guest on the seventh day-                  

si mgeni a na baa                          someone set the roof alight!                   

Hata moto mapaani                       Guilty man is known alright,                   

akatia yeye mgeni.                        It's the monster come to stay.               

 Mgeni siku ya nane                    Tell the stranger his eighth day,            

  njo ndani tuonane                       just come inside a moment, then           

 Atapotokea nje                             when he comes out again,                       

tuagane mgeni                               Goodbye, guest come to stay.              

Mgeni siku ya kenda                    Tell the guest ninth day                       

enenda mwana kwenenda!            go in peace, son, but go                       

Usirudi nyuma                                and don't come back, O                         

usirudi mgeni                                 guest come to stay.                             

 Mgeni siku ya kumi                       Guest now on his tenth day tenth day           

kwa mateke na magumi                  with kicks and blows chase away.                 

Hapana afukuzwaye,                          There is no other who is chased away          

fukuzwaye fukuzwaye yeye mgeni!     But the guest come to stay.         

I know of two people who would be glad to see a kikamba poem on print. One is my grandmother, who despite my best efforts to prove otherwise still maintains that my kikamba is horrible. I admit I have a few problems with the "tenses". I  knew that the German I learned in high school would mess up my kamba! (You can relax, I won't do a German translation.) But I detour. The second person who would be particularly proud to see more vernacular on print is none other than Ngugi wa Thiongo, the long time lone howling voice against "linguistic" imperialism. So, to both, I dedicate arguably the first kamba poem to be put down on paper/word processor.

THE KIKAMBA TRANSLATION- THE UNABRIDGED VERSION

Mgeni siku ya kwanza           Mueni muthenya wa mbee

Mpe mchele na panza             munenge isyo na nthooko

mtilie kifuani                          muthokye nthini thome

mkaribishe mgeni                  Mueni ula waemeeie kwene

Mgeni siku ya pili                  Mueni sua wa keli

mpe ziwa na samli                  mukamie kalila ka n'gombe

mahaba yakizidia                    na wakiitwa ni wendo mwike nesa

mzidie mgeni.                          mueni uu waemeeie kwene

  

Mgeni siku ya tatu                 Mueni sua wa katatu

jumbani hamuna kitu            Vatiele kasuku kamwe ka mboso

Mna zibaba zitatu                   Tinisya mbisu iko aye

 pika ule na mgeni                 Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

Mgeni siku ya 'ne                  Mueni sua wa kana

mpe jembe akalime        .       Yiembe kituo muundani

Akirudi muagane                   Asyoka umwisuve athi

ende kwao mgeni           .        Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

Mgeni siku ya tano                 Mueni muthenya wa ndunyu

mwembamba kama sindano   Amosie ekala tuvindi

Hauishi musengenyano         Andu yu nimeumuneenea

asengenyao mgeni            .     Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

Mgeni siku ya sita                  Mueni   sua wa thandatu

mkila mkajificha                    Twivithe twambe kuya                      

mwingie vipembeni                 Na matialyo ungu wa kitanda

afichwaye yeye mgeni            Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

Mgeni siku ya sabaa              Mueni sua wa muonza

si mgeni a na baa                    Nuu ula avivya kiala?

Hata moto mapaani                 Ti ungi no ula mueni

akatia yeye mgeni.                  Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

 Mgeni siku ya nane               Muthenya wa nyanya

  njo ndani tuonane                  ita  mueni wii muneenanye

 Atapotokea nje                        Alika umwie "kyalo kiseo"

tuagane mgeni                          Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

Mgeni siku ya kenda                  Muthenya wa kenda

enenda mwana kwenenda!           "savali nzeo, mwana, indino thi

Usirudi nyuma                                      na ndukasyoke ingi nongi "

usirudi mgeni                                            Mueni uu waemeeie kwene

 Mgeni siku ya kumi                            Muthenya wa ikumi

kwa mateke na magumi                        ni ngundi na nthele

Hapana afukuzwaye,                              vayi ungi ukulungwa

fukuzwaye fukuzwaye yeye mgeni!      no ula mueni waemeeie kwene!

CELEBRATING A KENYAN HERO

Today with Professor Ngugi Wa Thiongo at the Shield of Faith where the Kenyan community gathered to celebrate Mashujaa (Heroes) Day. The lady seated in front of me couldn't capture the occasion more eloquently (despite the obvious linguistic assault her scarlet T-SHIRT  deals on the word "mashujaa"). Professor wa Thiongo gave an harrowing account of a colonial era in which he was raised with the promise of freedom and the disillusionment of the subsequent regimes that were keen on muzzling political dissidents. His writings, some of which he paid for dearly by imprisonment without trial include The River Between, Weep Not Child, Petals of Blood, A Grain of Wheat, Devil on the Cross, Wizard of the Crow and his new memoir Dreams in a Time of War.  Earlier this year, speculations were rife that Ngugi would be the 2010 Literature Nobel laureate but contrary to  expectations someone else was named. (although hundreds of journalists had camped outside his gates on the chilly night before the disappointing announcement was made.) But Nobel prize or not, you have to admit that the professor deserves even a higher honour of being regarded a "shujaa." The Professor is currently a distinguished professor of Comparative Literature and English at University of California at Irvine.

LOOOONGEST!!

It may interest you to know that the official longest word in English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Allow me a second, that word has taken the wind out of me! It's the name usually used to describe a lung disease that miners catch by inhaling fine silica dust. It 's also not a word people usually  work  into a conversation unless they are intent on acquiring blisters in the mouth or worst still break their entire jaw. Of course, Smiles may still be considered the unofficial longest word in English. According to the joke, there is a mile between the beginning S and the last S. As for me, I like a word I can actually use. Even now.. as I wish you a day filled with SMILES!

ORIENTATION...FOR ART'S SAKE

Art is one of those subjects you can't fully define and yet you can easily recognize when you see. The history of Art starts right at creation when God created Adam, not out of marble or clay, but from dust. No artist or sculptor that ever lived has been able to do so since. Skipping over a considerable period, we arrive at primitive ages when art took the form of cave paintings, mostly of creatures that either were eaten by stone age man or by which stone age man was eaten. Following that period was art most of which comes from the early civilizations of  Rome, Greece, Egypt, India and China.Fast forward to the Renaissance period, a movement that began in Italy between the 14th to 17th century.Art in this period focused on beauty and harmony.Among the notable artists then were Michelangelo and Leonardo Da Vinci who did so many other things like hydraulics, anatomy, military engineering and physical science it is a wonder he ever got round to painting. You may have heard of his famous painting Mona Lisa. He also painted the above art work titled The Last Supper. The forerunners of what came to be the Impressionist period were two artists with nearly similar names, Monet and Manet (FYI: The Manet with an A came before the one with an O.. that's how I remember). The Impressionism era was followed by the Expressionism whose art was influenced by artists like Munch and Vincent Van Gogh who painted in a frenzy and cut off one of his ears in a fit of anger. Art in the 20th Century  is mostly abstract and many artists of this period are called experimentalists. People who have no idea of this art form can be excused to think that the paintings are the result of an artist splashing paint on canvas with the eyes closed. I have to admit that sometimes I catch myself tilting my head just to confirm that the gallery did not accidentally hang the painting upside down! Abstract is sub divided into so many other was forms ranging from cubism which was originated by Pablo Picasso, surrealism by Salvador Dali ( How this artist influenced my love for art is a story for another day), feminist art, dadaism, mamaism (just kidding!), fauvism and many others I am unwilling to get into because I fear I may not get out.  I guess if a painting can speak a thousand words, the one above can speak ten times as much. It is Leonardo Da Vinci's The Last Supper, a  piece derived from the scripture after Jesus had announced to the disciples that one among them would betray him. Observe the way the artist was able to capture the drama and excitement as the disciples questioned who it was. By the way, can you spot Judas?